Tuesday, November 25, 2008

The Battle

I'm not gonna lie. I think about being a mom all the time. I actually have a time line, but I'm not sharing that with you... I try to imagine what it would be like. It's kinda hard for me cause really babies scare the living H E double hockey sticks out of me. Yea, when I see a baby, I think look how cute they are, it doesn't mean I want to hold them. I'm not at all craving it, never have either. So when I think about it, I think in the terms of this is a commandment I have to follow, not OH MY FREAKING HECK IF I DON'T HAVE ONE RIGHT NOW I'M GONNA EXPLODE! Is that bad?

I have issues with the whole process. I have more issues with the idea of being pregnant and the battle I will face after wards. The idea that I won't have any control over my body kinda freaks me out. You see, I'm a tad bit of a control freak.

I've always had issues with my body. When I was in high school for several different reasons, I had a serious eating disorder. Today it still kinda haunts me. I have a love hate relationship with my body. I've been going to weight watchers for about 2 years just so I can keep things in control without falling back to my high school days. It's my way of telling my body, "Hey, I'm in CONTROL!"

The majority of the people I know who are pregnant are so cute. And then when they have that baby, within a couple of months they are back to being so cute. And then there are the ones who never get stretch marks, umm I have a special place for you! It's so not fair. Can you see my fears? I'm gonna have to work really really hard to even get back close to where I am today. CAN I SAY SO NOT FAIR!?

When I was a freshman in college I had this major crush on this boy in my home ward. I really really liked him and I knew there was no way he would even look at me. One night I was talking with him on AIM and he told me that if I was still home that he probably would date me. He told me that he would follow me around like white on rice cause I had a rockin body. AND THEN HE HAD THE NERVE TO SAY THIS "You need to be careful, cause genetics are fighting you." I was young and stupid and so flattered that he liked me that the last line didn't bother me. Now if I ever see him again, I might poke his eyes out with a pencil. Jerk Face.

Brock has always been a huge support in anything I wanna do. I know if I gain so much weight that he would only be like 20 pounds heavier than me he would still love me. That's not the point. The point is will I still love me?

I struggle...

5 Grass Lovers:

Natalie said...

Self love is the hardest thing -- when I got called into Young Womens it was rough doing the self esteem lessons realizing that they were just beginning that roller coaster.

ixoj said...

I think that when you eventually decide to have kids, the Lord will bless you for doing so and therefore help you to overcome your self image issues. He knows that it could be a major trial for you, so I believe that He will help you. Whether that means that you'll be a skinny minnie like those freaky girls who have a 2 week old but look like they were never pregnant, or whether He'll help you love yourself no matter how you look, I don't know. Either way, I think you'll be just fine. :)

Logan and Emily said...

This has been the HARDEST part of having a baby for me Layla my love. With Logan's schedule, I can't ever get to the gym and I'm not diciplined enough to do home videos and NOT eat the cupcakes I make...haha. But the good thing about you is that you have some good habits going for you now. If you remain dedicated to weight watchers now then you can stay on it while pregnant and jump right back in after. They are really good with preggie people and making sure you're eating the right things. If you're dedicated and Brock supports you...you have your rockin' bod back in no time! I'm not a super cuddly person either. Some people just love to hold and cuddle their own babies, no one elses, and that's fine too! I miss your freaking face!

Logan and Emily said...

pardon my crappy spelling, i'm typing one handed! Thanx.

Bunsy said...

Layla, I was NEVER crazy about babies until I had my own. I always preferred the 1.5 to 3 age group cuz they're so cute. Anyway, I understand you. It's true about the body thing. It's not your own for a while if you decide to have babies. When I get massive I just tell myself I'm doing something for someone else and to stop being so selfish. No one cares about what I look like anyway except my husband and thankfully he doesn't seem to mind when I look nasty for a good year or more. What I've always admired about you Layla is your strong testimony and how you only do things because you feel they are right. You'll make the decision when you're ready and I know you'll dive into it wholeheartedly despite the weight gain, stretch marks, lack of sleep, and all that other stuff that goes along with it. You're great!