Thursday, September 25, 2008

Keep Calm and Carry On

The other day I ran 3.5 miles as fast as my short legs would let me. I could care less that my body was yelling " FOR THE LOVE OF ALL BEING, STOP! STOP NOW!" I kept running and focused on how my feet pounded on the treadmill thread. I was beating it up with all my anger and frustration. I came home and cried. I'm only human after all.

High School was not so great for me. It was a time where I quickly became an adult when I needed to play more and care less. I watched as my parents marriage was hanging by the threads and I could do nothing about it. Many times I had to step up and become "the parent" to my younger siblings. Today, I embrace that time period but at the time it was hard. I had no outlet for my frustrations and soon developed an eating disorder. Shocking, I know. Many of my close friends had no idea. Heck, my parents had no idea until I was far too involved. (I'm ok now, but I still have my moments where I have to stop and gain control).

My therapist convinced me that I needed to come up with another plan when I felt that I had lost control. My plan was to run. And boy did I ever run. I ran the day my parents divorce was final. I ran the day my grandmother died. I ran the days when I felt that I had NOTHING left in me.

The other day ,was one of those days. I had feelings of wanting to belong, wanting to fit in, and wanting to feel good enough. I've come to accept that in this particular situation that I'm facing, I have no control. In the mean time, I'll keep calm and carry on. And boy will I ever run.

***Note*** I feel so loved! Thank you for all your kind comments! Just to clarify, I LOVE living here in California! It was the best decision we have ever made. The people I have meet here have welcomed me with open arms! I am so thankful for the wonderful friends I have made. This post has nothing at all to do with the move...****


10 Grass Lovers:

Little Red said...

Layla, I'm coming out of my blog-lurker-hood to let you know that I love reading your blog and I think you're an awesome writer. I hope that's not too creepy! Hope all is well, lets meet somewhere between No Cal and AZ and get some yummy Arabic food!

Little Red said...

Layla, I'm coming out of my blog-lurker-hood to let you know that I love reading your blog and I think you're an awesome writer. I hope that's not too creepy! Hope all is well, lets meet somewhere between No Cal and AZ and get some yummy Arabic food!

Teresa said...

Layla, you know how to write.... you are one awesome girl who has risen above and look at you now. I am so proud of you.

Deanna said...

Hey Layla! I don't know what your frusterations were about but moving is hard. It's difficult to make new friends over and over again. Thanks again for being friends w/ us and having us over for dinner way back when. You guys are awesome!

Michael Family said...

Layla, I can't even imagine how hard that would be to deal with. I am glad you found a way to cope. I hope everything is ok. People around you care about you!

ixoj said...

At least running as a fairly healthy outlet...much better than other things like literally banging your head against the wall (my cousin), throwing knives (me, though usually not at people), or driving like a maniac up and down university ave at speeds well above 75 (my neighbor).

I think you're fantastic!! And beautiful! And amazing! And I love you!

Diana said...

oh, I love you. I hope you are doing better.

Amie said...

High school did suck, didn't it? I feel you there...but I wish we had gotten to know each other better back then..it's a shame you're halfway across the country now :(

Ry and Steph said...

thanks for your nice note on my blog...I've never taken the time to read yours until now...and I regret it! you write really well..and I love the insights you have too....
all our love, and best of luck ;)

leah said...

I know what you mean about running being an outlet. I had always like to run since I was in Middleschool, but I didn't become a real "serious" runner until College when I faced some big trials. Running gave me a good high and made me pund out all my frustrations and stress through my feet. It still does that for me today. Running is the best thing in the world - I think people who don't like running are missing out.