Friday, February 17, 2012
When I first started therapy, I would gear up for an hour of a battle that I knew I would lose. I would come in with my guard up, start with my bull reasoning and leave crying the ugly cry. I had some serious issues and one of them being that I didn't love myself. I hated myself, to the point that I couldn't look at myself in the mirror without being critical.
A. once had me write out 10 things that I liked about myself, that I truly felt positive about. I came up with one. She pushed for more, until I told her about this FB post** that a friend had once sent to me that I carried around with me. I carried it with me because I wanted to believe what M. believed I was. I would read it over and over and think I want to be that.
So A. wrote down all of those kind things that M. had said about me and we worked on helping me learn how to love myself.
The further I got into therapy, the more and more CB and I would discuss the path I was going on. Before, I would constantly question why he loved me, I just couldn't comprehend it. He was dashing, smart, charming, and was moving fast in his career. He had a ton going for him and I couldn't understand why he loved me. I would think, he would be so much happier if he wasn't with me, I'm stopping him from reaching his full potential. It would infuriate him every time he said "I love you" and I would respond "why?"
I brought it up to A. once, and with out hesitation she said to me "You have no right to tell someone whether or not they can love you. You can make that choice for yourself, but you can't make it for others." All of a sudden, a light bulb went off and it began to make sense.
So I stopped questioning him and trying to understand why, I just let it be. It was liberating. When I had really dark days, it was comforting to know that through it all, I had CB's love and I would be ok.
*M., you mentioned in the post that you had no idea why you were writing what you wrote, but I feel that there is a reason for everything. At that moment, when I first read your words, I sobbed. It was a pushing point for me to make a change. Thank you