Here is a fact, nothing will turn out the way you think it will. Nothing. It will either be a disappointment or completely out of this world.
I plan my life out into details, which come to think of it, it's so bizarre. I have no idea why I am so compelled to do such things.
For the longest time I have tried to shape and mold myself into someone that I can not possibly be. The truth is, that I'm loud and obnoxious and not quite and lady like. I worried what people thought of me. The idea that someone could not like me frightened me. I tried hard to change things about myself just so I could be liked by everyone (which is so beyond annoying). I literally thought about it all the time.
Then I went to Europe. By myself. It was the perfect opportunity for me just to be me. The majority of the time I was there, I stayed with people that hadn't known me before. It was my chance to be the person I really was, loud and care free. And the people that I stayed with loved me. Not the Layla, that I was trying to become, but the Layla that I already was.
When I was in England, I had the chance to spend time with a lovely lady, which by the end of the evening I was overcome with complete adoration for her. I found myself telling her everything, from my joys to my deepest secrets. With tears in her eyes she told me how much she had already grown to love me and how I just needed to stop and enjoy the ride, life was meant to be enjoyed.
The following Sunday after I had arrived back to the USA, my husband and I along with his parents attended a special Stake Conference. There, our Stake President spoke about honesty and integrity. He asked the question about how honest were we being with ourselves. I soon realized that by trying to become someone that I wasn't, I wasn't at all being honest with myself. I was lacking integrity. I grew to dislike myself so much, because I couldn't stand what I was putting myself through.
When I was in Europe, I was the happiest I had been in a long long time. I smiled and joked around and felt so much like me again. I grew to love myself so passionately that I never want to go back to trying to change myself.
I've learned that I've got amazing qualities. I'm a beautiful person through and though and my smile is my best feature. I've learned that my Father in Heaven is pleased with me. He loves me and I in return should love myself.
It's OK if people don't like me. I'm OK with that. I will be cordial and polite, but I will never change who I am for them to be pleased with me. I will never risk my beliefs to be accepted. Never.
I'm grateful that I had this experience of discovery. I will never forget it.