Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Discovery

Here is a fact, nothing will turn out the way you think it will. Nothing. It will either be a disappointment or completely out of this world.



I plan my life out into details, which come to think of it, it's so bizarre. I have no idea why I am so compelled to do such things.

For the longest time I have tried to shape and mold myself into someone that I can not possibly be. The truth is, that I'm loud and obnoxious and not quite and lady like. I worried what people thought of me. The idea that someone could not like me frightened me. I tried hard to change things about myself just so I could be liked by everyone (which is so beyond annoying). I literally thought about it all the time.

Then I went to Europe. By myself. It was the perfect opportunity for me just to be me. The majority of the time I was there, I stayed with people that hadn't known me before. It was my chance to be the person I really was, loud and care free. And the people that I stayed with loved me. Not the Layla, that I was trying to become, but the Layla that I already was.

When I was in England, I had the chance to spend time with a lovely lady, which by the end of the evening I was overcome with complete adoration for her. I found myself telling her everything, from my joys to my deepest secrets. With tears in her eyes she told me how much she had already grown to love me and how I just needed to stop and enjoy the ride, life was meant to be enjoyed.

The following Sunday after I had arrived back to the USA, my husband and I along with his parents attended a special Stake Conference. There, our Stake President spoke about honesty and integrity. He asked the question about how honest were we being with ourselves. I soon realized that by trying to become someone that I wasn't, I wasn't at all being honest with myself.  I was lacking integrity. I grew to dislike myself so much, because I couldn't stand what I was putting myself through.

When I was in Europe, I was the happiest I had been in a long long time. I smiled and joked around and felt so much like me again. I grew to love myself so passionately that I never want to go back to trying to change myself.

I've learned that I've got amazing qualities. I'm a beautiful person through and though and my smile is my best feature. I've learned that my Father in Heaven is pleased with me. He loves me and I in return should love myself.

It's OK if people don't like me. I'm OK with that. I will be cordial and polite, but I will never change who I am for them to be pleased with me. I will never risk my beliefs to be accepted. Never.

I'm grateful that I had this experience of discovery. I will never forget it.

8 Grass Lovers:

Lucy van Pelt said...

The real paradox is that more people will like you better when you can just be yourself. And goals that make you a better version of yourself, instead of someone else, are a lot easier to achieve and feel good about. It's a hard lesson to learn.

Natalie | The Bobby Pin said...

This is true. But it doesn't make it easy to accept

Nancy said...

:) That is just the way it should be. The world needs Layla!

I think this is a lesson we all need to learn because I think we all struggle with this at some point in our lives (sometimes at more than one point in our lives).

ixoj said...

You're right- you're amazing and wonderful and if people don't like you (they're crazy!), it doesn't matter one tidge. Because you're great.

GabrielleValentine said...

I loved this post. Layla, you are beautiful and smart and fabulous. Only in the last year did I declared this same ephiphany to myself. And it's made me a far better person and I love myself far more for it. Be yourself. Natasha, at becomingsomething.com mentioned I should read The Mastery Of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz. It's very intense and empowering regarding finding yourself and loving yourself and others minus all the drama we fall into day by day. I am so glad you are discovering these things and that you are happy.

Bunsy said...

Sorry I never made a post on your blog while you were in Europe. I'm slightly flakish Layla. From what you write, it sounds like your trip to Europe was beneficial in many ways. I congratulate you in your discovery. I've found that I waste way too much money and time if I try to please others too much. So I've had to give up that habit. I just don't have the time and money. But I am so happy when I'm being me, the good me. Not the grumpy me which emerges every once in a while.
I hope you realize that the only person that has to think you are great on this earth is you. And it helps if your husband thinks that too and I'm sure he does. You and Brock are a special team. Jonathan and I always enjoyed visiting you and everyone in your family back in the Grandview 8th ward. You're just fun to talk with and be around.Happy Holidays!

Diana said...

Still a conversation I think about everyday. Seriously. I think when you told me about this, it really changed the way I think, and have been much happier with my relationship because of it.

Wesley Thomas said...

so i dont think i read this before...but now i have, and ive now got that gross blurry vision when youre just about to cry lol. I assume youre talking of Brenda, thanks so much for reminding me how amazing she is, shes been such a great example and provider for me, really a second mother. im Soooo glad you got to have that moment and make these discoveries, because its true. i hope you remember it. we all LOVED you, you are an individual and we miss your personality. Y'know she often asks about you. Hope you are well. x